Hi family,
I've been listening to some Bill Bryson books on my commute lately (just finished one called At Home: A Short History of Private Life that I think Lexi would enjoy - it was fascinating) and I came across this lovely piece of dry British humor. Having prepared our taxes for the last few years, I particularly enjoyed this and I hope you will as well. :)
Love,
Corey
YOUR TAX FORM EXPLAINED
By Bill Bryson
Enclosed is your 1997 United States Internal Revenue Service Tax Form
1040-ES OCR: 'Estimated Tax for Self-Employed Individuals'. You may use
this form to estimate your 1997 fiscal year tax
if:
1. You are head of a household
and the sum of the ages of your
spouse and dependents, minus the ages of qualifying pets (see Schedule
12G), is divisible by a whole number. (Use Supplementary Schedule 142C if
pets are deceased but buried on your property.)
2. Your Gross Adjusted Income does not exceed your Adjusted Gross Income (except where applicable)
and you did not pay taxable interest on dividend income prior to 1903.
3. You are not claiming a foreign tax credit, except as a 'foreign'
tax credit. (Warning: claiming a foreign tax credit for a foreign 'tax'
credit, except where a foreign 'tax credit' is involved, may result in a
fine of $125,000 and 25 years' imprisonment.)
4. You are one of the following: married and filing jointly; married
and not filing jointly; not married and not filing; jointed but not
filing; other.
INSTRUCTIONS
Type all answers with a number two lead pencil. Do not cross anything
out. Do not use abbreviations or ditto marks. Do not misspell
'miscellaneous'. Write your name, address and social security number,
and the name, address and social security numbers of your spouse and
dependents, in full on each page twice. Do not put a tick in a box
marked 'cross' or a cross in a box marked 'tick' unless it is your wish
to do the whole thing again. Do not write 'Search me' in any blank
spaces. Do not make anything up.
Complete sections 47 to 52 first, then proceed to even-numbered sections and complete in reverse order. Do
not
use this form if your total pensions and annuities disbursements were
greater than your advanced earned income credits or vice versa.
Under 'income', list all wages, salaries, net foreign source taxable
income, royalties, tips, gratuities, taxable interest, capital gains,
air miles, pints paid on, and money found down the back of the sofa. If
your earnings are divided wholly, or partially but not primarily, or
wholly
and partially but not primarily, from other countries
other than the United States (if uncertain, see USIA Leaflet 212W,
'Countries That Are Not The United States')
or your rotated gross income from Schedule H was greater than your earned income credit on nontaxable net disbursements, you
must include a Grantor/Transferror Waiver Voucher. Failure to do so may result in a fine of £1,500,000 and seizure of a child.
Under Section 890F, list total farm income (if none, give details). If you were born after 1 January 1897, and are
not
a widow(er), include excess casualty losses and provide carryover
figures for depreciation on line 27iii. You must list number of turkeys
slaughtered for export. Subtract, but do not deduct, net gross dividends
from pro rata interest payments, multiply by the total number of steps
in your home, and enter on line 356d.
On Schedule F1001, line c, list the contents of your garage. Include
all electrical and non-electrical items on Schedule 295D, but do not
include electrical or non-electrical items not listed on Supplementary
Form 243d.
Under 'Personal Expenditures', itemize all cash expenditures of more
than $1, and include verification. If you have had dental work
and
you are not claiming a refund on the federal oil spill allowance, enter
your shoe sizes since birth and enclose specimen shoes. (Right foot
only.) Multiply by 1.5 or 1,319, whichever is larger, and divide line 3f
by 3d. Under Section 912g, enter federal income support grants for the
production of alfalfa, barley (but not sorghum, unless for home
consumption) and okra
whether or not you received any. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $3,750,000 and death by lethal injection.
If your children are dependent but not living at home, or living at
home but not dependent, or dependent and living at home but hardly ever
there
and you are not claiming exemption for leases of maritime
vessels in excess of 12,000 tons dead-weight (15,000 tons if you
were born in Guam), you
must complete and include a Maritime
Vessel Exemption Form. Failure to do so may result in a fine of
$111,000,000 and a nuclear attack on a small, neutral country.
On pages 924-926, Schedule D, enter the names of people you know
personally who are Communist or use drugs. (Use extra pages if
necessary.)
If you have interest earnings from savings accounts, securities,
bearer bonds, certificates of deposit or other fiduciary instruments but
do not know your hat size, complete Supplementary Schedules 112d
and 112f and enclose all relevant tables. (Do not send chairs at this
time.) Include, but do not collate, ongoing losses from mining
investments commodities transactions and organ transplants, divide by
the total number of motel visits you made in 1996, and enter in any
remaining spaces. If you have unreimbursed employee expenses, tough.
To compute your estimated tax, add lines 27 through 964, deduct lines
45a and 699f from Schedule 2F (if greater or less than 2.2% of average
alternative minimum estimated tax for the last five years), multiply by
the number of RPMs your car registers when stuck on ice, and add 2. If
line 997 is smaller than line 998, start again. In the space marked 'Tax
Due', write a very large figure.
Make your cheque payable to 'Internal Revenue Service of the United
States of America and to the Republic for Which It Stands', and mark for
the attention of Patty. On the back of your cheque write your social
security number, Taxpayer Identification Number, IRS Tax Code Audit
Number(s), IRS Regional Office Sub-Unit Zone Number (
unless you are filing a T/45 Sub-Unit Zone Exclusion Notice), sexual orientation and smoking preference, and send to:
Internal Revenue Service of the United States of America
Tax Reception and Orientation Center
Building D/Annex G78
Suite 900
Subduction Zone 12
Box 132677-02
Drawer 2, About Halfway Back
Federal City
Maryland 10001
If you have any questions about filing, or require assistance with
your return, phone 1-800-BUSYSIGNAL. Thank you and have a prosperous
1998. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $125,000 and a long walk
to the cooler.
